What is lonely? And why don’t I feel so when I travel alone?

Sunrise over Georgian Bay

When I travel alone, I’m rarely lonely. Yet, when I went camping last weekend with my son and his girlfriend, I was. Why would this be? Given that many people ask me about loneliness as I travel solo I thought I should take some time to explore its meaning.

Lonely and alone are two different things.

Over the weekend, I took stock. Was I lonely all the time? When was I most lonely? What were the circumstances? What did lonely feel like?

Well, I wasn’t lonely all the time. I was lonely at very specific times. Odd times. I was lonely when I put up the tarp over the picnic table. I was lonely sitting at the fire in the late afternoon – not the morning or evening – just the late afternoon. And, I was lonely walking down the road to the washroom at night.

What was it about those ordinary moments that made me feel so? Well, here you go. I used to watch my late husband take a running leap off the cooler and up a tree to tie up the tarp. It always amazed me. The glass of wine around the afternoon fire was our customary prelude to dinner. The night walk to the washrooms had been a late evening ritual for the two of us. Essentially, I was lonely when doing something that could not be shared with him in the way I wanted.

Ah, but when I travel alone…

My husband and I were great travelers. Every summer we would pack up the kids and take off. In 01/02, we did it for ten months. Would it be nice to still be able to do this? Absolutely. But the travel I do now is separate from the travel we did then. It has its own unique qualities that I love just the way they are. When I travel alone, he is with me but I don’t feel lonely for him because I am not repeating routines or rituals that we shared. Unlike camping, I am forging anew rather than revisiting the past.

It’s hard to be lonely if you really want to travel alone.

Some people turn to tours, cruises or resorts when they travel alone. I don’t understand this choice because I find that these group affairs make me feel lonely. I look around at all the people coupled or in groups and feeling like an outsider.

So I avoid these situations that cause me to feel lonely. I don’t seek what I can’t have but reach for what I can. I create a fabulous plan A (there’s more than one approach to great travel) and travel alone rather than accept what I consider to be a mediocre plan B.

As for camping? Well, I love it and will do it some more. Eventually, those ordinary moments will take on less significant and I will introduce new rituals that become dear to my heart.

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